Adarq.org

Yeah I want to but I'm mentally weak I've got an alcohol dependence. I haven't gone a week without drinking since 2013 and usually I drink multiple times a week and when I drink I binge drink until I'm out cold. I recognise that I have a problem. My whole family is a bunch of alcoholics. There's a photo that I have seen before that goes along the lines of two brothers who had an alcoholic father. The first son says "I drink because it's what my father did" and the other son says "I don't drink because I watched my father drink". I need to be the 2nd son but atm I'm just like my father but nowhere near as bad.

It has been better since I started playing sports and training again. It's given me the motivation to keep fit and have positive influences in my life and goals. However, since the season has finished I've just gone off the rails again and the whole Grand Final boycott and facing the possibility of being unable to play at all next year has been a catalyst to getting back on the piss. I don't want to be like this, which is why I'm reaching out and writing on my journal. It's easy just not to say anything and pretend everything is sweet but deep down I have an issue. I hate the days where I wake up thinking about alcohol because I tell myself that I'm not going to drink but it's like whatever I tell myself or say that I'm not going to do I end up doing it. I've just got a fucked up mind sometimes but I'm lucky I have a supportive partner. I don't know how she puts up with me sometimes but I"m grateful that she does.

first of all, props for putting this out there. it's not an easy thing to do, even in writing.

second of all, about that bolded part: those things don't necessarily go together. "mental weakness" is a slippery term -- like "stupid" or "smart" it doesn't actually tell you much. but even taking it at face value, it doesn't apply to addiction, which is a mental illness every bit as much as depression or schizophrenia. we are really only starting to understand it. telling yourself the reason you can't kick booze is because of your own mental weakness is wrong and probably counterproductive.

is there an addiction counseling center nearby you could visit? or an AA meeting? AA has mixed results for the addicts i know, but for some people it's a complete life-changer. it's worth going if you haven't before, and even if you have.

morning

- run 5.00km in 24:41
splits were 4:44, 4:56, 4:57, 4:43, 5:15. so ran first 4km in 19:22, then died a little and ran last km in 5:15. much less consistent pace than usual. chalk it up to body being out of whack in the morning.

- stretch

didn't get quite as early a start as i'd hoped, in part because my gf found a cockroach in her running pants and freaked the f out. delayed us by about 10 minutes. no hate, though: she saved me from a gigantic fucking spider earlier this year. to each their own irrational freak-outs. still, feels so good to have run already today. hopefully gf will continue to be a good morning workout buddy.

last night

- run 5.01km in 25:39
hamstrings quite sore, very slow first km and then right around 5:00 the rest of the way. gonna go to 5.5km this week.

- stretch

get them sunrise pics

morning

- warm up

- HIIT x 20 mins

- stretch

feels so good to work out in morning, especially as it gets cooler.

- run 5.05km in 26:40
road to track, two laps, road back. legs heavy. it's noticeably warmer at 6:30 than 8. right back around 5:15 pace, which seems to be standard on the road. some of that is caused by having to slow down to cross roads; also the first half of the course is slowly but steadily uphill.

- stretch